Rip, Ray, Ian, Edgar, Lynne, Bill, Bobb, Barbara, Jim, Will, Joel, Art, Steve, Jeanette
Ian was still visibly shattered by a devastating snub from a group of his former fellow students at Trinity College, Dublin.
He said: "Maybe two years ago, my journalist friend Jeremy Lewis told me that several of people I thought were friends of mine at Trinity were putting together a book of reminiscences about their time at the college in the 1960s, which I'd written about many times. I was annoyed because they never asked me to contribute, and finally one of them who I'd known said they'd like something from me, so I just sent them one of my Letters from Lotusland where I'd written about my first day at Trinity.
"A year goes by and I get emails from them about the non-progress of the book, and I just ignored them. It was all organised by a bunch of amateurs, very much an English upper-class set, hunting, shooting, fishing, and I hadn't been part of them. But on Saturday I got an email from a chap in Dublin saying he'd seen a review of a book called Trinity Tales in the Irish Times. I thought I must be in it, so I wrote to Jeremy and he said, 'Alas, you're not,' but all these nobodies are. They turned me down! And the worst of it is, it's a beautifully produced book with 37 contributors - and I didn't make it. I feel humiliated. But I heard from Barry Humphries's assistant asking me to get in touch with them at Megastar Productions in North London. I'd rather have him as a pal than these snobs."
"You think that's bad," said Lynne, "I was at a social lunch once and I got told how to hold my knife and fork."
In what turned out to be a busy night for distinguished visitors, Rockabilly star Rip Masters was just back from playing in Nottingham, England - "I thought I liked Nottingham because it's the prostitution capital of England, but maybe because it's also the because gun capital. I thought most of the prostitutes had guns, so maybe they kinda combined the two - at least the ones I met did. It can be rough, though: they told me not to go down the local pub alone."
Rip reported "good Indian food, good Italian food, good English food. But they have great Indian food everywhere in England now."
"It's because of the Indians," said Ian.
"We went to a little town nearly Manchester," said Rip, "and found an Indian restaurant with a 20-page menu, and it's all great. And the pub food is just great too. I went there in 1980 and it was absolutely horrendous. It was very hard to get a good meal anywhere, but people have traveled more since then and they don't take crap any more. The English had 200 years to adulterate their food, but now it's recovering. They've gotten much better. I love England but no, I would never move there. I had a wonderful week on somebody else's expense. When I went to school in England, in Claygate, Surrey, I used to walk to school. They can't do that any more. It's a meaner world. It's the same way here."
Lynne and I reported on our first comedy class, at the Ice House on Sunday.
"It was very much an introductory session," said Lynne, "about a dozen of us, our teacher Bobbie Oliver explaining the rules most of the time and we each went up to the mike to talk about ourselves for a few minutes, not tell jokes. And it will end up with a graduation evening to which you're all invited.
"She wants everything original, no props, no gags, no playing characters, She was very hard on Robin Williams because he steals material - allegedly. We'll just be interested to see how far we go with it."
Jim asked: "Did the teacher tell you that one good topic is your mother in law?"
No.
Ian: you don't need a teacher to tell her what she told you, you just do it."
Jim added that it's about coming up with some kind of gimmick about yourself - which, said Rip, Some people have made a career out of.
Jim said: "One guy made a career out of 'Wanna buy a duck?'" (Joe Penner, born 11 November 1904, died 10 January 1941, a Hungarian-born American 1930s-era vaudeville, radio and film comedian. He was born Pintér József in Nagybecskerek, Hungary, now part of Serbia).
Ian didn't quite say "Wanna buy a book?" but he did produce a musty, brown-paged Penguin paperback edition of After The Ball, his iconoclastic history of pop music in the 20th century.
Ian recalled: "I used to deliver beer in Putney in south London - it was my first encounter with the working classes. I came across that English working-class mentality that we're not going to get any further so we'll do all we can to destroy the company we're working for - drinking on the job, petty criminal damage to spite their employer."
We were then joined by two more distinguished visitors: Joel Selvin, music critic of the San Francisco Chronicle, and musicologist and Phil Spector associate Art Fein, who runs the website www.sofein.com.
Joel's arrival prompted a strange story of a confrontation involving Ian in the garage under San Francisco's Union Square.
Ian was driving out of the garage, with Joel the passenger, but was trying to leave through the entrance. He encountered across a car coming the other way. Both got out of their cars and it looked to be heading for a fight, when the other man got in his car and backed off. Why? Because Ian had said: "I am fully armed."
As people began to leave, Steve and Jeanette were drawn further down the table and into the conversations. It is clear from Steve's blogs and letters that the undying admiration of President Obama is beginning to fray a little at the edges, particularly over health insurance. His equivocation over the Iranian election protests has bothered some on left and right.
We always knew that healthcare was going to be a tough one, and so it is proving.
CAUGHT ON THE BREEZE
The flow is right - it's just that the dates are wrong.
You usually only see behinds like that in Britain or Africa
When I'm not here, you know, even more people come here
The black contribution to rock n roll is nearly zero.
I'm more literate than most English people you will meet.
You were forewarned, forearmed and foreskinned.
I like being told to be a good boy.
Spiders in England are getting bigger - they're this big! They say it's the central heating.
I've never seen such a quick volte-face in my life.
You know I'm a complete and utter mindreader, don't you?
I'm good on the gospels.
Kiss Me Deadly is one of my favorite films, even though I now know that it is also a hit song.
I think we ought to abolish junior highs and put the kids to work.
I'm not trying to put down blacks - well, maybe I am...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The mystery of Ian's ice cream
Ray, Edgar, Bill, Lynne, Ian, Bobb, Barbara, Jim, Will, Glenn, Mary, Steve G
This diary entry is longer than before, because for the first time I used a digital recorder and so captured more of the scintillating conversation (and the crap too, but that's another story). Because of the greater length I have introduced subheadings so it is easier to see where one topic ends and another begins. There are also a lot more Caught on the Breeze lines.
As ever, all feedback gratefully received.
The evening began on a note of death and destruction. The violence after the LA Lakers' NBA championship win last night was roundly condemned, prompting me to recall how much worse it often is at English and Scottish soccer matches - particularly Rangers v Celtic in Glasgow. The odd thing about the Lakers looting and vandalism was that there were no opposition supporters there, as the championship-winning game had taken place in Florida. Soccer violence is usually a product of rival fans taunting one another, but the Lakers crowd didn't seem to need that needle to get them going. At least the oft-condemned LAPD was apparently a model of restraint.
David Carradine
David Carradine's death prompted Ray to recall that his buddy Paul Harper did a dozen Kung-Fu's with David Carradine. But the table was unsure whether the death was suicide, murder or accident.
According to Fox he bought a lot of bondage equipment just before he left for Thailand. Sounded like he was planning a bondage party - a one-in-a-bed romp! But he cannot have been doing that alone, can he? Maybe room service helped, then left? Or a hired accomplice? 'It'll take another year or so before we find out,' Lynne suggested.
'It doesn't have to be foul play, it can still be an accident,' said Edgar.
If you go to the edge of killing yourself, every so often it can go wrong.
People have died by putting plastic bags over their head. 'If you stretch it far enough, you can use a condom for the same thing!' Ray added.
Carradine's unfortunate end led to another review of the Phil Spector case. Ian said: 'I was talking to a lawyer who said Spector should have claimed Lana Clarkson was accidental death, then he'd have just got manslaughter. No one believed it was suicide.'
The missing ice cream that never was
Ian was complaining, as he often does, 'I haven't had my dessert - I've paid for it, you know, it's in the price, but I haven't had it.'
Just after he left for the loo, Javier served the missing confection.
Lynne said "Hide it, just to make him upset for ten seconds - Why? because I'm evil, and because it's fun!'
So Will took Ian's dessert and sat there with it in front of him, spoon in hand, as if it was his.
'Javier just gave it to me, that's what I'm going to say,' he declared.
'You'll have to claim you're the 100th customer tonight!' I offered.
Ian came back grumbling about the receptionist at the Caltech gym, who refuses to get Ian's name right.
'Have you always have trouble handling servants?' I asked.
'It's cultural snobbery,' Ian insisted. 'I just don't understand it. Now he just says "morning sir".'
Suddenly Ian saw Will with an ice cream in front of him and said, 'Javier simply will not get my dessert. Why didn't he get it to me?'
Will said you can have my one, I'm not eating it...
Ian was on the verge of stomping off to the kitchen when we all called him back - fearing fisticuffs - and Ian realized what had happened, and collapsed in a wide grin - 'You got me, I stand corrected.'
Bobb said 'It was the prankster here that set it up,' outing Lynne.
Mary added 'Lynne has a naughty sense of humor.'
Barbara declared that in future no one will ever be able to go to the loo.
That spun Lynne off into saying she was in 'KY Jelly mode', because someone had been served KY Jelly at a Daily Mail Christmas party in London years ago. But alcohol had been consumed on that occasion. Not like at Conrads. Not at all.
Some Like It Hot
Will, Mary, Lynne and Bill went to the Million Dollar Theater on Saturday to see a 50th anniversary showing of Some Like It Hot - originally the title of a movie starring Bob Hope.
Tony Curtis, all of 84, was on stage and endured some banal French questioning in order to tell the stories he wanted to anyway, about Monroe and about filming on location.
Ian said 'I think it's a perfect film, I never get tired of it.' Will said he saw things in it on Saturday he didn't remember seeing.
Are they waiting for Curtis to die to do a remake? I wonder. The sex scene between Curtis and Monroe is so unrealistic, because he says he can't make love and all they do is kiss! They'd have to update that.
Narcissistic movie stars
Ian told the story of Barbara Hutton showing Cary Grant some of her priceless porcelain behind glass and he seemed surprisingly interested in it. 'Truth was that he had caught sight of his reflection - I do it myself. Grant was supposed to be gay, but actors are so into themselves they don't care who they do it with.'
Maybe we'd better give Rollo a quick call in case he gets a surprise visit!
Well, come to a British public school, said Ian in one of his recurring themes.
'Cary Grant told me to get that microphone out of his face, at a party I'd been invited to by Mae West,' said Ray.
By today's standards Monroe is fat in SLIH. Ian and Will agreed that actors didn't look toned, except for a few such as Curtis and Burt Lancaster, who was quite vain.
Conversation turned to the artificial names, such as Rock Hudson, bestowed by agents on their clients. Then it turned rude.
Jim mentioned one of his favorites, Seymour Butts.
Ray cackled over The Tiger's Revenge by Claud Balls
Bill innocently contributed The KO Kid by Esau Stars
That reminded Will he was going to see John Thomas, who is not cockney rhyming slang - unlike Hampton (Wick) and Berkeley (Hunt), Ian reminded us.
A rival salon
Ian also reported on another salon he has been to, in one of Pasadena's smarter districts, given by Kenton Nelson, a highly prosperous Southern California landscape painter, in his Pasadena house - 'he owns the whole street, with a square at the end'. I've only been to one, beautiful house, lovely food laid out, there were film directors, trailer makers, musicians there last time. The trailer man said he'd like to use one of my songs. You never know, but it's worth doing, maybe something will come of it in five years' time. Anyway tomorrow night I'll be stuttering like mad, which I always do when I've got to be modest and I think there's a chance of some work! I've had this all my life, and it's all part of selling yourself.'
'I've known so many talented people turn up in this town,' said Will, 'and leave because they couldn't get a meeting with anybody.'
To which Ian replied: 'But you've got to have the drive, Will, and I've seen you, you can be very determined. It's been true of my first book, my first record, I got them published because I kept battering on doors. You get lots of refusals too, but you've got to keep at it.'
CAUGHT ON THE BREEZE
He called me 'green-eyed Mexican lady'
I wrote a letter to the Red Ryder ranch when I was 12, but I chickened out and never mailed it. I covered it with deerskin.
If there had been email earlier in my life I'd have kept in touch with many more people
When I die I'd much rather be awake
Janet's gone to Australia: I feel sorry for the Australians, quite frankly
Fancy making a million for overdubbing - we all overdub!
So in a conjugal visit at a halfway house, do you only get to shake hands? No tongues!
It was a case of a beautiful leading actress being, well, a beautiful leading actress.
I always feel at home on a Monday night
There's a worship of American culture, like rockabilly.
Leaving a good tip is like picking in high cotton
I don't mind death, it's dying that bothers me
Carlos is singing - something must be wrong
Have you heard the song I'm in Love with a Girl on Death Row - now there's a short story
If I murder a hippy, will you come to my defence? I hate hippies.
She took them by storm - or by surprise
A fake psychic - isn't that a redundancy?
I've got one side of me pushing and the other side saying 'Don't push'
Everything sounds better in Latin.
Chester Gould sent you a signed autograph of Pogo? That would be great, if Chester Gould drew a picture of Pogo looking like Dick Tracey
A character in my new book has rigged up twitter to send a tweet every time he farts: 'I tweet therefore I am'
This diary entry is longer than before, because for the first time I used a digital recorder and so captured more of the scintillating conversation (and the crap too, but that's another story). Because of the greater length I have introduced subheadings so it is easier to see where one topic ends and another begins. There are also a lot more Caught on the Breeze lines.
As ever, all feedback gratefully received.
The evening began on a note of death and destruction. The violence after the LA Lakers' NBA championship win last night was roundly condemned, prompting me to recall how much worse it often is at English and Scottish soccer matches - particularly Rangers v Celtic in Glasgow. The odd thing about the Lakers looting and vandalism was that there were no opposition supporters there, as the championship-winning game had taken place in Florida. Soccer violence is usually a product of rival fans taunting one another, but the Lakers crowd didn't seem to need that needle to get them going. At least the oft-condemned LAPD was apparently a model of restraint.
David Carradine
David Carradine's death prompted Ray to recall that his buddy Paul Harper did a dozen Kung-Fu's with David Carradine. But the table was unsure whether the death was suicide, murder or accident.
According to Fox he bought a lot of bondage equipment just before he left for Thailand. Sounded like he was planning a bondage party - a one-in-a-bed romp! But he cannot have been doing that alone, can he? Maybe room service helped, then left? Or a hired accomplice? 'It'll take another year or so before we find out,' Lynne suggested.
'It doesn't have to be foul play, it can still be an accident,' said Edgar.
If you go to the edge of killing yourself, every so often it can go wrong.
People have died by putting plastic bags over their head. 'If you stretch it far enough, you can use a condom for the same thing!' Ray added.
Carradine's unfortunate end led to another review of the Phil Spector case. Ian said: 'I was talking to a lawyer who said Spector should have claimed Lana Clarkson was accidental death, then he'd have just got manslaughter. No one believed it was suicide.'
The missing ice cream that never was
Ian was complaining, as he often does, 'I haven't had my dessert - I've paid for it, you know, it's in the price, but I haven't had it.'
Just after he left for the loo, Javier served the missing confection.
Lynne said "Hide it, just to make him upset for ten seconds - Why? because I'm evil, and because it's fun!'
So Will took Ian's dessert and sat there with it in front of him, spoon in hand, as if it was his.
'Javier just gave it to me, that's what I'm going to say,' he declared.
'You'll have to claim you're the 100th customer tonight!' I offered.
Ian came back grumbling about the receptionist at the Caltech gym, who refuses to get Ian's name right.
'Have you always have trouble handling servants?' I asked.
'It's cultural snobbery,' Ian insisted. 'I just don't understand it. Now he just says "morning sir".'
Suddenly Ian saw Will with an ice cream in front of him and said, 'Javier simply will not get my dessert. Why didn't he get it to me?'
Will said you can have my one, I'm not eating it...
Ian was on the verge of stomping off to the kitchen when we all called him back - fearing fisticuffs - and Ian realized what had happened, and collapsed in a wide grin - 'You got me, I stand corrected.'
Bobb said 'It was the prankster here that set it up,' outing Lynne.
Mary added 'Lynne has a naughty sense of humor.'
Barbara declared that in future no one will ever be able to go to the loo.
That spun Lynne off into saying she was in 'KY Jelly mode', because someone had been served KY Jelly at a Daily Mail Christmas party in London years ago. But alcohol had been consumed on that occasion. Not like at Conrads. Not at all.
Some Like It Hot
Will, Mary, Lynne and Bill went to the Million Dollar Theater on Saturday to see a 50th anniversary showing of Some Like It Hot - originally the title of a movie starring Bob Hope.
Tony Curtis, all of 84, was on stage and endured some banal French questioning in order to tell the stories he wanted to anyway, about Monroe and about filming on location.
Ian said 'I think it's a perfect film, I never get tired of it.' Will said he saw things in it on Saturday he didn't remember seeing.
Are they waiting for Curtis to die to do a remake? I wonder. The sex scene between Curtis and Monroe is so unrealistic, because he says he can't make love and all they do is kiss! They'd have to update that.
Narcissistic movie stars
Ian told the story of Barbara Hutton showing Cary Grant some of her priceless porcelain behind glass and he seemed surprisingly interested in it. 'Truth was that he had caught sight of his reflection - I do it myself. Grant was supposed to be gay, but actors are so into themselves they don't care who they do it with.'
Maybe we'd better give Rollo a quick call in case he gets a surprise visit!
Well, come to a British public school, said Ian in one of his recurring themes.
'Cary Grant told me to get that microphone out of his face, at a party I'd been invited to by Mae West,' said Ray.
By today's standards Monroe is fat in SLIH. Ian and Will agreed that actors didn't look toned, except for a few such as Curtis and Burt Lancaster, who was quite vain.
Conversation turned to the artificial names, such as Rock Hudson, bestowed by agents on their clients. Then it turned rude.
Jim mentioned one of his favorites, Seymour Butts.
Ray cackled over The Tiger's Revenge by Claud Balls
Bill innocently contributed The KO Kid by Esau Stars
That reminded Will he was going to see John Thomas, who is not cockney rhyming slang - unlike Hampton (Wick) and Berkeley (Hunt), Ian reminded us.
A rival salon
Ian also reported on another salon he has been to, in one of Pasadena's smarter districts, given by Kenton Nelson, a highly prosperous Southern California landscape painter, in his Pasadena house - 'he owns the whole street, with a square at the end'. I've only been to one, beautiful house, lovely food laid out, there were film directors, trailer makers, musicians there last time. The trailer man said he'd like to use one of my songs. You never know, but it's worth doing, maybe something will come of it in five years' time. Anyway tomorrow night I'll be stuttering like mad, which I always do when I've got to be modest and I think there's a chance of some work! I've had this all my life, and it's all part of selling yourself.'
'I've known so many talented people turn up in this town,' said Will, 'and leave because they couldn't get a meeting with anybody.'
To which Ian replied: 'But you've got to have the drive, Will, and I've seen you, you can be very determined. It's been true of my first book, my first record, I got them published because I kept battering on doors. You get lots of refusals too, but you've got to keep at it.'
CAUGHT ON THE BREEZE
He called me 'green-eyed Mexican lady'
I wrote a letter to the Red Ryder ranch when I was 12, but I chickened out and never mailed it. I covered it with deerskin.
If there had been email earlier in my life I'd have kept in touch with many more people
When I die I'd much rather be awake
Janet's gone to Australia: I feel sorry for the Australians, quite frankly
Fancy making a million for overdubbing - we all overdub!
So in a conjugal visit at a halfway house, do you only get to shake hands? No tongues!
It was a case of a beautiful leading actress being, well, a beautiful leading actress.
I always feel at home on a Monday night
There's a worship of American culture, like rockabilly.
Leaving a good tip is like picking in high cotton
I don't mind death, it's dying that bothers me
Carlos is singing - something must be wrong
Have you heard the song I'm in Love with a Girl on Death Row - now there's a short story
If I murder a hippy, will you come to my defence? I hate hippies.
She took them by storm - or by surprise
A fake psychic - isn't that a redundancy?
I've got one side of me pushing and the other side saying 'Don't push'
Everything sounds better in Latin.
Chester Gould sent you a signed autograph of Pogo? That would be great, if Chester Gould drew a picture of Pogo looking like Dick Tracey
A character in my new book has rigged up twitter to send a tweet every time he farts: 'I tweet therefore I am'
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